You Might Be A False Teacher If...

1. You might be a false teacher if your website is not blocked by the Chinese government.

2. You might be a false teacher if you think choosing the base model demonstrates modesty and good stewardship every time you purchase a private jet.

3. You might be a false teacher if your last name is also a monetary currency.

4. You might be a false teacher if you think having a Bible Mantra is an alternative to reading it.

5. You might be a false teacher if Oprah invites you onto her show.

6. You are a false teacher if you appear on Oprah's show and she never objects to anything you say.

7. You might be a false teacher if you don't know what an elephant looks like.

8. You might be a false teacher if Brian McLaren endorsed your book.

9. You might be a false teacher if you think you are the one who has finally figured out what the Apostle Paul was on about.

10. You might be a false teacher if you think tithing puts Satan in a cage.

11. You might be a false teacher if you think "Thou shalt not criticize" is the 11th Commandment.

12. You might be a false teacher if you think "Thou shalt tithe" is the 12th Commandment.

13. You might be a false teacher if you think that when Jesus said, "On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets," He was referring to the 11th and 12th Commandments.

14. You might be a false teacher if Barack Obama finds your spiritual advice to be helpful.

15. You might be a false teacher if you think firing an elder is a form of church discipline.

16. You might be a false teacher if you believe it is the sheep's job to protect the shepherd.

17. You might be a false teacher if you wear a suit when you're in the White House and an Hawaiian shirt when you're in the Lord's House.

18. You might be a false teacher if you agree with Rob Bell about anything.

19. You might be a false teacher if you use the Council of Trent to defend your theological position.

20. You might be a false teacher if you think that Herman Newtix is the guy who keeps telling John MacArthur to be mean to Charismatics.

21. You might be a false teacher if you think that "The Message" is a Bible translation.

22. You might be a false teacher if you think the Bible is subject to your editorial process.

23. You might be a false teacher if you think that the Reformation was a speed bump on the highway of church history.

24. You might be a false teacher if you think church history refers to the different phases of your building project.

25. You might be a false teacher if the promise of the forgiveness of sins found in Jesus Christ underwhelms you.

Today Is National Atheist's Day - Come Celebrate Their Religion

The Bottom Line invites you to join in today's celebration of the religion of Atheism. Denmark's very own Kristoffer Haldrup will be conducting free lectures on how to sound scientific while burying your head in the sand at the same time. Kristoffer will be taking up an offering during his lecture. You will also be able to come and listen to world renowned atheists vent their hatred for the God they don't believe in. Dr. Terry Tommyrot will also be presenting his thesis on why he doesn't believe in Richard Dawkins . . .



The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. (Psalm 14:1a)

A Chick Fil A Welcome To America

I have to admit there is something special about the fast food franchise known as "Chick Fil A". My more sophisticated, puritanical, or health conscious friends will all be rolling their eyes right now at the fact that I could have such affection for mass produced chicken burgers - but hey, how can you not love Chick Fil A, the ultimate fast food way, who always close on Sunday!

I have only recently arrived in the USA and am just settling into the city of Santa Clarita where most of the Master's Seminary students live (yes I am now enrolled in TMS and begin next week). Santa Clarita is a nice place and the part I live in is known by many as "seminary row". On our first day here I had the inspired idea to head down to the local Chick Fil A, enjoy a spicy chicken sandwich and embark on my cultural adaptation. Another thought I had in the back of my mind was that I might meet some local Christians and perhaps even a fellow TMS student as Chick Fil A is well known for its strong Christian stance and ownership.

No sooner had we walked through the doors of Chick Fil A Valencia (Santa Clarita) when we were greeted by super friendly staff who all were students at the nearby Master's College (also connected with Grace Community Church pastored by John Macarthur). The manager asked what I was in the US for and when I told him he informed me that his wife worked at TMS also. My Rob Bell video also got mentioned and when the manager found out that I had exposed Rob Bell as a false teacher he became very excited and proceeded to provide meals for my children free of charge! While I was pinching myself (to check this was not some fantasy dream sequence) two families of fellow TMS students entered the store. We then became "occupiers" in the back corner of the store where the staff kept refilling our drinks free of charge (a welcome change from Europe) while all the children "occupied" the playground, the ladies got to know each other, and the guys "chewed the theological fat" together. At this point I stopped pinching myself because it was now too surreal for reality! Especially when one of my professors and his family came over to greet us.

We had a great night and I didn't want to leave. The cultural elite can all mock away, but I don't care because I love Chick Fil A. I'll leave y'all with a momento of the grand occasion!

A Great Christmas Gift Idea For Emergents

Objection 2 Continued - Evolution Debate (Part 7)

There are many problems with evolution - more than I can fit in one blog post. Last weeks post pointed out the lack of transitional forms in the fossil record. But I also thought it worth mentioning some questionable practice of the "scientific method" when it comes to examining the future. What follows is a real newspaper article:


This recent offering from the "scientists" made major headlines in the UK's Guardian newspaper. The article goes on to say:

It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth's atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

This highly speculative scenario is one of several described by a Nasa-affiliated scientist and colleagues at Pennsylvania State University that, while considered unlikely, they say could play out were humans and alien life to make contact at some point in the future.

Shawn Domagal-Goldman of Nasa's Planetary Science Division and his colleagues compiled a list of plausible outcomes that could unfold in the aftermath of a close encounter, to help humanity "prepare for actual contact".

In their report, Would Contact with Extraterrestrials Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis, the researchers divide alien contacts into three broad categories: beneficial, neutral or harmful.

Beneficial encounters ranged from the mere detection of extraterrestrial intelligence (ETI), for example through the interception of alien broadcasts, to contact with cooperative organisms that help us advance our knowledge and solve global problems such as hunger, poverty and disease.

Another beneficial outcome the authors entertain sees humanity triumph over a more powerful alien aggressor, or even being saved by a second group of ETs. "In these scenarios, humanity benefits not only from the major moral victory of having defeated a daunting rival, but also from the opportunity to reverse-engineer ETI technology," the authors write.

Other kinds of close encounter may be less rewarding and leave much of human society feeling indifferent towards alien life. The extraterrestrials may be too different from us to communicate with usefully. They might invite humanity to join the "Galactic Club" only for the entry requirements to be too bureaucratic and tedious for humans to bother with. They could even become a nuisance, like the stranded, prawn-like creatures that are kept in a refugee camp in the 2009 South African movie, District 9, the report explains.

The most unappealing outcomes would arise if extraterrestrials caused harm to humanity, even if by accident. While aliens may arrive to eat, enslave or attack us, the report adds that people might also suffer from being physically crushed or by contracting diseases carried by the visitors. In especially unfortunate incidents, humanity could be wiped out when a more advanced civilisation accidentally unleashes an unfriendly artificial intelligence, or performs a catastrophic physics experiment that renders a portion of the galaxy uninhabitable.

To bolster humanity's chances of survival, the researchers call for caution in sending signals into space, and in particular warn against broadcasting information about our biological make-up, which could be used to manufacture weapons that target humans. Instead, any contact with ETs should be limited to mathematical discourse "until we have a better idea of the type of ETI we are dealing with."

The authors warn that extraterrestrials may be wary of civilisations that expand very rapidly, as these may be prone to destroy other life as they grow, just as humans have pushed species to extinction on Earth. In the most extreme scenario, aliens might choose to destroy humanity to protect other civilisations.

"A preemptive strike would be particularly likely in the early phases of our expansion because a civilisation may become increasingly difficult to destroy as it continues to expand. Humanity may just now be entering the period in which its rapid civilisational expansion could be detected by an ETI because our expansion is changing the composition of the Earth's atmosphere, via greenhouse gas emissions," the report states.

"Green" aliens might object to the environmental damage humans have caused on Earth and wipe us out to save the planet. "These scenarios give us reason to limit our growth and reduce our impact on global ecosystems. It would be particularly important for us to limit our emissions of greenhouse gases, since atmospheric composition can be observed from other planets," the authors write.

Even if we never make contact with extraterrestrials, the report argues that considering the potential scenarios may help to plot the future path of human civilisation, avoid collapse and achieve long-term survival.

Once again, the question must be asked as to exactly what kind of "science" are these people practicing? And why do these people discount the possibility of a Creator when they have a creation, but readily warn about an impending alien invasion even though no aliens have, as yet, been discovered. Although I must admit that the jury is still out concerning the claims of a Wal-mart employee who still maintains that he is a real Jedi Knight who attended Obi Wan's academy on Tatooine. For the doubters he decided to show a few of his moves:



Did you feel the Force?

While the newspaper article does not represent the entire scientific community, it is a stern reminder that the phrase "scientists say" is often a propoganda smokescreen that persuades the man in the street. Empirical science is measurable, testable, repeatable, and observable but the realm of "historical science" and "speculative science" is often nothing more than science fiction. As Christians, we have something far more reliable - a text that has never been proven wrong authored by a Sovereign God Who is the same yesterday, today, and forever!

Next week I will unveil some futuristic transitional forms that scientists have been able to "calculate" based on what they "already know". It may well be the funniest post to ever feature on this blog so stay tuned . . .

Go On To Part 8
Go Back To Part 6
Go Back To Part 1

Shocking Picture Of Kirk Cameron

The internet was aflame over the last week because of this shocking photo of Kirk Cameron. It would seem that Lane Chaplin managed to catch him blowing out candles on his birthday cake - with only one bystander in the picture!!!! This has certainly exposed Kirk for the fraud he really is. All those years of lying about the massive attendances that his birthday parties draw. Starring in a blockbuster independant movie, the 140000 fans on his Facebook page, the big beautiful family, the interviews on O'Reilly and Larry King, pretending to be this guy called Mike Seaver - all of this was a carefully orchestrated conspiracy to make the general public believe that he was popular. And this photo is conclusive proof of his secret double life! Kirk's life is so pathetic he's only ever been married once! And his six children show him up as a selfish jerk with no concern for global over-population. He's not even smart enough to come on board with all the clear thinking people out there who accept that everything was created by nothing.

But why stop with Kirk? I thought I should take it upon myself to expose a lot of other deceptions going on out there that you might not be aware of. This blog has no place for gossip - I am posting this because my precious readers deserve to know the truth!

Take Brad Pitt for example. He is not as much of a "ladies man" as you might think. In real life he actually pays Angelina Jolie to appear in pictures with him. This is just a deceptive veneer for a very lame and tragic existence. In real life Brad finds it so hard to get a girl that he has decided to dress like one instead. And let's face it, that dress is so 90's!





And then there is the great hoax of Barack Obama's athletic prowess. He continually poses for press shots playing all sorts of different sporting activities. Anyone can look athletic and coordinated in a still. But the sad truth is that Barack has always been a bumbling nerd who can't even aim up right when it comes to kissing his wife. Let's just say that his wedding video had a lot of outtakes. Few people know that back in the 80's Obama actually turned down the role of Steve Urkel in favor of pursuing a political career.


And who would have known that Johnny Depp thought he needed to dress like a pirate in order to illegally download and copy movies. Johnny is clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed. Earth to Johnny - internet piracy does not require sailing the caribbean in an old wooden ship shouting "arrrrghhhh".


What about the little known fact that Hollywood heartthrob Matt Damon is really a Hollywood heart attack waiting to happen. And let's face it, if you had all the money in the world then you would eat In'N'Out animal style three times a day as well! The Matt Damon you see at the movies is really just a digitally enhanced version of the guy you see in the picture. We're talking a lot of digital enhancement!





But George Clooney takes fake popularity to a whole new level. Here he is snapped at a recent fan club convention together with the President, Founder, Treasurer and General Secretary.




After all, it wasn't talent that got George all those leading roles. No, it was money! It is only a select few of us who are aware that Clooney did not make his fortune from the box-office as can be seen by the crowds lining up to see his latest movie. No, George actually made his fortune from an investment mistake in the 1970's when he attempted to purchase a large stake in the fruit industry by buying a lot of shares off a guy called Steve Jobs. The rest, they say, is show business!

Yes this whole thing is just a satire in response to all the cheap shots being taken at Kirk by "cyber warriors" who spend their lives hiding behind computer monitors with a keyboard in their hands. I have met Kirk Cameron on numerous occasions and met his family. He is someone I count it an honor to know and someone who epitomizes what real manhood is all about. Loving his wife, discipling his family, and serving the Lord Jesus Christ. Tragically, the blogosphere seems to esteem Brangelina, Botox, and busted marriages more highly.

The saddest thing about the whirlwind surrounding Kirk's picture is that his ministry has just produced something far more interesting that matters and is changing lives. Please go and watch it instead of all the pointless gossip. Because on the day of judgment the penetrating spotlight of God's all knowing justice will shine on us.

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops. "I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! (Luke 12:2-5 words of Jesus)

Rick Warren - The World's Foremost Expert On Humility

Warren Unveils The R.I.C.K. Plan On Humility

Pastor Rick Warren, well-known for creating memorable acrostics to convey his groundbreaking church initiatives like PEACE, SHAPE and CHURCH, has unveiled his latest teaching on Christian humility called the RICK Plan. Says Warren, “As Christians who have received greater spiritual insight than people of other religions, we can easily fall into the trap of acting superior. But Jesus said we need to humbly serve others without concern for our preeminence in the world, and that’s what my new RICK Plan is all about.”

RICK stands for: Remember others first; Imitate Christ; Create opportunities for service; and Keep your ego in check.

Warren believes his new strategy is essential for the success of the Church and plans to implement it throughout his Purpose Driven network until RICK covers the globe. “I’ve come to realize how important humility is, and I want other Christians to understand it, too,” Warren explained. “In fact, just the other day I was telling Bono how I practically created another Pentecost at Saddleback’s last membership drive. All of a sudden the phone rings and it’s a call from the White House. It was Barry wanting some pastoral advice. This is the kind of humbling situation that I hope others can learn to experience someday, too.”

When asked about the critics who charge that his new global humility plan is just a veiled marketing campaign to force his personal agenda on the Church, Warren responded, “Hey, the RICK Plan isn’t about me.”

(article courtesy of Sacred Sandwich)

The saddest thing about this post is that many of the readers will remain unsure as to whether it is satire or real life. Those lines regularly cross over in Rick Warren's universe!

If you haven't heard enough about Rick Warren's humility you can find out more (non-satirical examples) in these previous posts from his sermon at last years Desiring God conference.
Rick Warren's Sermon At Desiring God Part 6
Rick Warren's Sermon At Desiring God Part 13

(Based on subsequent feedback it would seem that too many readers are seriously open to the RICK plan being a real thing. To alleviate your fears the article is courtesy of "Sacred Sandwich" which is a site devoted to satirical pokes at the worst parts of modern seeker sensitive evangelicalism. But I have to say that in the likelihood of Warren not reading this article, the RICK plan would seem only a matter of time!)

Lame Attempts At Relevance (Part 7)

It has been common for me to hear Christian ministers and missionaries tell me that we should not use words that todays generation doesn't understand. Words like "sin" and "repent" need to be re-phrased as "mistake" and "change". The Ten Commandments are now the ten suggestions. The Bible is now helpful rather than authoritative. And worship leaders fight very hard to remain marginally less than 30 years behind the contemporary music of our day. In keeping with that train of seeker sensitive thought, how about someone tell the clown in this video that the word "record" (ie. a vinyl LP like what my father listened to in the 70's) disappeared ten years before any people in this audience were even born!



The fight for many "churches" to be "relevant" just continues to trawl new depths of sheer stupidity. How about a semi popular gay-band song from the 80's that most of us can't even remember? Setting aside the obvious personal hygiene issues that this video raises, try and contemplate the creativity required to take an old song and replace one word with the Name of my Lord. Why not try preaching the riveting subject of the person and work of Christ! Why not heed this rebuke from Art Azurdia:



Go On To Part 8
Go Back To Part 6
Go Back To Part 1

Harold Camping, Harold Shmamping

"End Times prophet" Harold Camping's bold prediction of the May 21 2011 rapture has provoked widespread ridicule and mockery. Was he a false prophet, and an enemy of the Gospel? I think people have been way too harsh because here at the Bottom Line we realize that the problem is not with Mr Camping's eschatology - not at all! He just didn't pay enough attention in math class. This is not the time to abandon predictions of apocalypse and armageddon. We just need to seek out better numerologists and then we will be able to figure it all out.

Today, I am proud to say, the Bottom Line blog has spared no expense in bringing you, the valued audience, the best numerological end times analysis we could afford. We now cross live to the Bottom Line's premier numerology correspondent William Tapley (aka The Third Eagle Of The Apocalypse) for our latest eschatological update:



Wow, of course!!!! It is all so obvious - why did I never see it before??? So ok readers, no time to waste! It's time to get busy and plant that Y3K vegetable patch you've been procrastinating over. Make sure you leave that "in case of rapture" message on your answering machine. And keep an eye out for flying leopards with four heads . . .

Lame Attempts At Relevance (Part 6)

During my recent trip down under I met with an old friend who pastors a church in the greater Brisbane area. He is a biblically solid believer but has an all too common desire to break down "barriers" that hinder young people from coming to church and hearing the Gospel. With that in mind he had the organ removed from their church building. I'm not too fussed either way on the whole issue but I have to confess that I encountered another "Lame Attempt At Relevance" when visiting his fellowship. In place of the organ was a modern rock worship band with a . . . . smoke machine! My good friend doesn't seem to realize that replacing an organ with a smoke machine is akin to moving forward from the 1870's to the 1970's.



I guess Gary Numan was cool in the 70's. He certainly wasn't spending much time in the sun. But newsflash - people born in the 70's are no longer what a pastor might class as youth (oh the painful twang of age I feel as I write this). They are people approaching or entrenched in middle age. They have more interest in an affordable mid life crisis than they do in crossing the "smoke machine bridge" to salvation. One of my friends recently showed a video of Paul Washer preaching to a group of non-Christian co-workers. It held their attention from beginning to end. Why? Because there is nothing more relevant than sin, righteousness, and judgment - and preaching that as if your life depends on it!



Go On To Part 7
Go Back To Part 5
Go Back To Part 1

The Barrier Of Language

Come, let us go down and there confuse their language, so that they may not understand one another’s speech." So the LORD dispersed them from there over the face of all the earth, and they left off building the city. Therefore its name was called Babel, because there the LORD confused the language of all the earth. (Genesis 11:7-9a)



One of the great challenges of being a missionary from Australia in Denmark is the requirement to preach in the Danish language. Learning another language is hard enough, it's even harder when it's a language where people sound like they have two potatoes in their mouth.



I sit my Danish exam today as part of my visa requirements. Please pray for me! Learning another language is about the most difficult thing I've done as an adult (aside from listening to Rob Bell - of course!).

Why I Don't Believe In Richard Dawkins!

Personally, I don't believe in Richard Dawkins. If there is a Richard Dawkins out there, why hasn't he shown himself to me?



Richard Dawkins, like all atheists, never come with any arguments for the nonexistence of God. What they always do come with is a list of reasons for why they hate the God they don't believe in. It is worth asking ourselves the question as to whether it is a worthwhile exercise investing time in dazzling the unbeliever with wizz bang apologetics concerning God's existence when the issue is not one of knowledge but of sin.

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath showed it unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. (Romans 1:18-20)

These verses from Romans 1 tell us "that which may be known of God is manifest" in the unbeliever "for God hath shown it unto them". They are holding "the truth in unrighteousness". And what is it that testifies God's existence to sinful men? Verse 20 tells us the answer. The "invisible" things of God are "clearly seen" in God's creation "even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse". Put simply, the creation compellingly testifies to the Creator God Himself. The atheist's problem is not a lack of proof concerning God's existence, but rather that he hates God and loves of sin . . . just like I did before being saved by the gracious God that Dawkins denies!

Rob Bell On The Death Of Osama Bin Laden

Cartoon courtesy of the witty guys at Sacred Sandwich.

Update From Australia

Warning: contains food references that may be meaningless to people who live outside Australia.

My family is now more than half way through our trek down under and it has been so great to escape the icy tundra of Scandinavia for the sub-tropical atmosphere of Brisbane and the Sunshine Coast. It has also been a great blessing to have Grandma and Grandpa at arms length to play with the kids and spend time getting to know them better. One of the major challenges has been not to gore food that I have been deprived of for the last four years. I have spent my fair share of time thus far devouring Tim Tams, meat pies, musk sticks, Chico Babies, Fruit Tingles, Solo, Crunchie Bars, and all the other good stuff that Elvis would have eaten if he grew up in Australia. And it's great to eat cuts of meat carved straight off the side of a cow rather than one of those pathetic european sausages full of random animal parts from random animals.

Coming back after four years has also helped to give some much needed perspective on how beautiful this part of the world is - and it can all be viewed in a t-shirt for 12 months of the year (even though Denmark has great summers the other eleven months are problematic)! The kids have spent almost the entire first month here in the pool and it has been great to see the bare flesh on their arms and legs once again. Going outside of the house no longer requires the logistical planning equivalent to invading a small country (my wife always points out that I am a man who is highly prone to exaggeration - which is why I said "small country" ok)!

It has been exciting to catch up with many of my old friends and a whole stack of new ones who have tracked me down through my blog and youtube videos. Several preaching invitations have ensued and I have been more than willing to accept those offers (for those of you in Brisbane and South East Queensland who are interested, I will be preaching in Brisbane two times on Sunday May the 8th. Firstly at 9:30am at Hope Christian Church and at 6:00pm at Christian Witness Ministries Fellowship).

Another great thrill during this trip has been the opportunity to go out open air preaching again with my Bullhorn Guy Fraternity friends. And speaking of open air preachers, my arrival has coincided with the departure of my good friend Joshua Williamson from Operation 513. After many years of delivering pizzas so that he could buy tracts and get through Bible college, Josh has now taken up a full time pastoral position at a Reformed Baptist church in the provincial city of Goulburn. We are all going to miss Josh's big voice thundering down the main street of Brisbane but I am so thrilled that he will be able to provide for his young family and devote himself fully to the noble pursuit of preaching. It was great to see you off last weekend Josh. And I was not alone, I know that every lame sissy boy liberal pastor, college lecturer, and Baptist Union appeaser in Brisbane was also thrilled to see you leave town.

Many of the readers have heard about Josh when he has featured on Wretched Radio and TV. In commemoration of Brisbane's loss and Goulburn's gain, here are a couple of great videos from when Josh was featured with Todd Friel on Wretched TV during his last trip to the USA. They feature an open air sermon followed by an interview with Todd:





Miss you already Josh . . .

Lame Attempts At Relevance (Part 3)

Maybe you're thinking "what could possibly be more cool and relevant for the 21st century than worship band cover versions of 80's music or breakdancing to Hillsong?" Hey - nothing says hip relevance like a motorbike in the sanctuary!



So how cool was that!!? Obviously the pastor is familiar with that obscure biblical verse that says "He that rideth a motorbike into the midst of the congregation will give the Gospel clarity and maketh himself popular to the perishing thereby making Jesus more popular and cool to become a Christian" - Megaliar 13:22

This video is actually poetic and a great metaphor for much of what is going on in "modern Christianity". Now I'm not going to condemn someone for riding a motorcycle into the sanctuary (though you could probably make a good case for it) but it does summise the many endless lures modern churches often try in order to get converts and grow. The crash is a metaphor for the world looking on and laughing because they can see through the lame ideas. The rider getting up after the crash and waving his arms going "It's all cool - I meant to do that" is metaphoric of how to reassure the congregation that everything is under control and "we're definitely heading in the right direction".

On a subliminal level it is an admission that the Gospel does not have enough power in and of itself. I cannot say this for certain in every individual case but it is certainly a prevalent thought among many congregational leaders and perpetuated by church growth experts. But it is a suicidal road trying to add to the Gospel. It both obscures it and distorts it.

The church is relevant because we are different. We offer a message that is unique and is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those who are being saved it is the power of God unto salvation (1 Cor 1:18).

It has become cliched and popular to use the bogus quote of Francis of Assisi (bogus because there is no proof that he said it) "Preach the gospel, if necessary use words". That is like saying "wash always, if necessary use water". The Gospel is not visual but verbal which is why Paul said "how shall they HEAR unless a preacher is sent".

Go On To Part 4
Go Back To Part 2
Go Back To Part 1

Lame Attempts At Relevance (Part 2)

Nominations are now being sought for further "lame attempts at relevance" because there are plenty out there. Part 1 involved the stock standard staple of the modern seeker church - a second rate cover version of an 80's song. My satire and mocking of the decade that brought us mullets, M&Ms, and Miami Vice should not make me immune from subjection to the same historical scrutiny. And my old friend, Paul from Adelaide, gleefully took the opportunity to drag an 80's skeleton out of my very own closet in the comments section of Part 1 - let's just say that I have owned cassettes in the past that I hope remained buried in the past. So thanks Paul for the humiliation.

Continuing in that 80's vein, what could be more fitting than a fusion between breakdancing and Hillsong. Now I am not Simon Cowell and I am in no position to claim much talent in the area of the creative arts. But can someone please explain to me why this video makes me laugh so much and if I need to remove the "talent plank" out of my own eye first.



That was certainly different to what I usually experience on a sunday morning. I can almost hear Paul from Adelaide running back to my closet to drag the next skeleton off the rack! Now Paul, I am aware that I posses the worst moonwalk ever seen in the first world (my moonwalk strategy involves lots of hand movement in the hope that it will divert people's gaze away from my lack of foot movement). I know my wife loves to invite me to perform it at most social gatherings we attend as a blessing to keep me humble. So perhaps I should not be laughing in the light of all my own 80's baggage. And perhaps the guy in this video is a godly man with a sincere motive to honor Christ. But I am still left wondering if "breakdance meets Hillsong worship" is the new cutting edge of church growth strategies. How does this minister to you?

Go On To Part 3
Go Back To Part 1

Lame Attempts At Relevance (Part 1)

I just cannot believe the downward spiral that is modern seeker sensitive churches and their attempts to stay at the "cutting edge" of cultural relevance. RC Sproul was quoted as saying:

If there were such a thing as a seeker, what would he be seeking? The church growth movement seems to believe he would be seeking more of the same. In a world consumed with lighthearted entertainment, we offer up less professional, less entertaining lighthearted entertainment? Why, I keep wondering, would a “seeker” get up on a Sunday morning, and travel to some giant box to hear a third rate rock band preceding a third rate comic giving a third rate “message” that leaves him in the same state that he arrived in?

Hyperbole perhaps, but very close to the mark nonetheless. I can't help but believe that the following conversation has happened at the leadership level of hundreds of Willow Creek/Saddleback style churches.

Senior Pastor: Numbers are falling and those that come fall asleep during the service. We need to do something about this.

Youth Pastor: The key is reaching the youth. We need to get twenty-somethings attending regularly.

Late thirties/early forties Associate Pastor with a mullet and a mid life crisis: How about some 80's music (to reach people born after 1995). After all 80's music was very cool in the 80's!.

Senior Pastor and Youth Pastor together: Wow, why hasn't anyone thought of this before . . . like ever?

Associate Pastor: Why not get our worship team to present a poor man's version of a Van Halen song about suicide. I'm sure a lot of people would relate to that.

Worship Pastor: Right on man! I'll even get the bass player to jump one time during the second chorus. That should shatter the stereotype many people have that Christians aren't edgy and cool! Let's show the general public that we are the equal of any Bon Jovi tribute band going around right now!

Associate Pastor: Hey, and I'll see if I can find some Bible verses with the word "jump" in them! With so many lousy paraphrases to choose from I'm sure I'll find something.



Just check out the throng of trendy youth "getting down" in the church hall. Maybe they really did hit on something here - after all it got 96 hits on youtube!

It never ceases to amaze me that the most relevant thing of all is the ultimate statistic (one out of one people die) and it is also often the most neglected from the pulpit. Death and judgment will strike every man and it is the key to awakening the conscience and arousing our thirst for the righteousness found only in Christ. The law and the Gospel presented faithfully and passionately is as riveting as it gets.



Go On To Part 2

God Is Not The Author Of Confusion - But NT Wright Is A Strong Contender

Brian McLaren is getting some stiff competition from NT Wright in the "Confusion of the Obvious" stakes. NT Wright denies the truth of Genesis and that Adam was a literal person, thus denying the fall and grounds for redemption in Christ. He just has a very long winded, mind numbingly boring, and Gospel illiterate way of doing it . . .



Such an attack on the authority of Scripture is worthy of total mockery. And someone has beaten me to the punch:

Tom Wright Reads Humpty Dumpty

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall"

Clearly the writer is telling an Israel story, and here alludes to the Temple. This echoes other lines in early 2nd Nursery Literature, such as Mother Hubbard’s cupboard (the “storehouse” of the Temple) and the bone (resurrection life) which she sought for her dog (“Gentiles”). “But when she got there, the cupboard was bare and the poor little doggie had none.” The temple had nothing to offer the Gentiles, and they thus remained in their state of Adamic sin and decay.

So here, too, one should not be surprised to discover that the Temple and its “wall” are bankrupt. The next line, then, is not a shock, but an expectation:

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall"

Again, this is patently a forecast of the Temple’s destruction (and contra Crossan and Borg, an entirely possible historical forecasting). Doubtless this claim is intended to lead the reader to ponder the eschatological recreation of the Temple. Since Humpty stands for the Temple, he seems to be sharing in the divine identity, functioning as the locus of God’s presence, not outside of, but within creation.

Of course, this fall is an exile of sorts, the loss of God’s presence. The tension is palpable: how will humpty’s story not turn out dumpty? In other words, this line presupposes what I have called elsewhere the great metanarrative of humpty, not least the promise of resurrection.

"But all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put humpty together again."

So the Temple will be built again, but not by human hands. Many have undertaken to suggest that this passage runs counter to a belief in resurrection. But this atomistic reading of the text lacks imagination. Of course, it is the king himself who will put humpty together again, and this great act will complete the metanarrative.

After all, Humpty is the place where the Creator God is resident with his creation. But the human inability to recreate Humpty does not negate all human effort for creation, which should be done in light of the proleptic nature of the king’s restoration of Humpty and all creation.

Written in Durham Cathedral, dedicated to Rowan Williams’s left eyebrow.

(Courtesy of Jason Hood at the Society For The Advancement of Ecclesial Theology)

Great Christian Billboards!

Billboards courtesy of Sacred Sandwich.

Global Burning

I must confess that I am intensely frustrated at so many mega church pastors signing on to the "Evangelical Climate Initiative". Pope Al Gore clearly holds a lot of sway these days with 85 evangelical leaders jumping onto his global warming train. Let's just hope that it's a train with a carbon neutral footprint.

As an Australian living in Scandinavia, I see the prospect of global warming as a highly enticing prospect. And I am fiercely determined not to let Al Gore and all his clergy stand in the way of my dream of wearing shorts in December. I've invested heavily in this vision too and stand to make a killing. Not many people have the foresight to open a surf shop 50 miles inland from the Norwegian coast. But when the icecaps melt and the global warming really kicks in, Norway will be the new Hawaii. And when the oceans rise my surfshop will be right on the beach. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this. Of course, the Norwegians are very concerned about rising sea levels which is why they're killing so many whales and keeping the sea level as low as they possibly can. The unconvenient truth is, however, that if someone shut off the power to Al Gore's house, the holes in the ozone layer would close up in one fell swoop anyway.

But what about the mega church dudes crying over the environment. I mean, if there was an 11th commandment it would have to be about using bio-degradable communion cups wouldn't it. I must confess to always being a doubter when it comes to finding a biblical basis for global warming but then I stumbled upon it in the New Testament. How could I have doubted, how could I have been so wrong for so long . . .

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed. Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness, waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be set on fire and dissolved, and the heavenly bodies will melt as they burn! But according to his promise we are waiting for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells. (2 Peter 3:9-13)

We're not talking Global Warming here - this is Global Burning. This is a fire that's coming, and it's unquenchably hot, and everlasting, and the only way of avoiding it is by crying out to the Savior in repentant faith.

Right now, here in Denmark, many of the world's leading politicians, scientists, and Bono wannabees are gathered here to try and save the planet - it's just one big carbon neutral party. They could have saved a lot of money by hiring me to make a solitary presentation addressing them about earth's future just by reading from Scripture.

And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire (Revelation 20:15).

The scientists are right in their conclusion that it will get hotter. But they are deluded as to the extent of that heat and downright wrong about man's ability to do anything about it. The one thing we can do as people is to preach the Gospel, warning people to flee from the wrath to come, and find their refuge in a Savior Who is creating a new heaven and a new earth for those He saves.

Here's a GLOBAL WARNING to any preacher dancing with environmental causes - the Gospel of Jesus Christ is mankinds only hope so get busy preaching it - in season, out of season, and before the season of the Lord's return. It's going to get a whole lot hotter . . .