From Drug Dealer to Gospel Preacher - A Glorious Testimony (Part 7)

Part 7
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"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." - Galatians 2:20
　
There were many more bouts to be had with my sin and addiction but in this struggle between light and darkness, the sin I once clung to became increasingly more difficult to commit. I recall times I had fallen into my old ways and the wickedness of my sin caused me to become literally sick within my spirit because I could feel the grief I was causing the Spirit of God. I could not bear the thought of taking for granted the gift which was given and the price which was paid for me. I could not bear the thought of denying so great a salvation. I was broken over my sin. The avenger of blood was close on my heals and in Christ was given to me an irresistible refuge. The attributes of God’s grace began to prevail in my heart and influence my inner most thoughts. Through the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit, the sin I had once loved, I was made to hate, and the God I had once despised, in Him I now found hope and peace.

There are many details which I desire to address but having not the space I want conclude by declaring that by God's grace, I have now been clean and sober since January 1st of 2007. In a short time, through the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit, much has happened. I have traveled to Mexico with a small group from my church to an inner city church in Guadalajara. I shared with them my story and preached a message on the power of God's word. Having never preached before, this was absolutely terrifying for me, but in the end I was reminded that it is not my performance but His Spirit which holds the power to save. I have been growing in grace and in the knowledge of Him by the work of His hand. As His grace works to decrease my own self, bringing me into deeper repentance and surrender to His will, He ever increases in triumph and reigns victoriously in my heart. Although I am still quite young and feeble in many ways, I am ever amazed at His provision in my lack and this continual power to work repentance within me and deliver me from myself.

By His grace, I have been made the pastor of a very small youth group and have hopes of going into fulltime ministry. I abhor the idea of ending this testimony on myself as if any of this has somehow been my own doing. Such a thought causes me to look unto the Son of God upon the cross and say, as did Luther, "This is God for me!" I could not know grace had I not known of the necessity of it, and I would not know the necessity of it if I had not been made to see myself as dead, lost, and without hope. For to be crucified with Him is to find Christ formed within me, so that if all that I am is nailed upon that tree, then all that He is abides within me. It is in this I find love, and in this I am made able to love as He loves me. Such a love is beyond all words and brings all knowledge to nothing. I am and will always be in awe of such a love. For the love of God is like no other.

I thank those of you who read this through, but most of all I thank the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, who in His eternal mercy and longsuffering put up with me, and was able to bring me out of Egypt and deliver me into the land of promise.

I pray this word comforts and establishes your hearts and all the glory that be, be His alone, through Christ I pray,
Amen

Coming Tomorrow - The Arrival of my Baby Daughter

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From Drug Dealer to Gospel Preacher - A Glorious Testimony (Part 6)

Part 6
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"An evil man seeks only rebellion; Therefore a cruel messenger will be sent against him." - Proverbs 17:11
　
In the book of Exodus, Moses was sent to Pharaoh to free Israel from the tyranny and oppression of Egypt. Through many terrible displays of the power of God, the Israelites were finally released and thus began the great Exodus. As I look at this wonderful story of deliverance, I see within this physical historical event, the very express image of what began in my heart on that glorious night that Christ first reached down into my dark existence. I was once in the death grip of Satan just as Israel was in bonds in Egypt. As I look back on my experience that night I see the beginning of my Exodus and the first steps into what I had come to refer to as my wilderness experience. Being given an initial touch of God, I was given great assurance of His being just as Israel was given as they were shown many great wonders and signs. Yet like Israel, in spite of the display of God's power and grace, my neck was still stiff, and my heart was still so desperately wicked that it was God's perfect will that I must be led into and tried in the desert. I was quite arrogant for a homeless meth cook and in my heart I clung to my own lofty and self-serving desires which I was not so willing to part with. There were certain things I expected from God which were contrary to His will, and so I initially set out to follow Him out of pretence to fulfill my own wicked desires.

In truth, grace was still far from me because I had not been brought to terms with the necessity of it. I considered my own righteousness as a leg worth standing on. As I had said, I attempted to reform my actions. I also tried to manipulate God to fulfill my desires. This of course failed and grave fear would settle upon me from time to time. I often would cry in my self-pity when I was made to see the futility of my own strength and inability to deliver myself. When I now read of Israel with all of her grumblings, complaints, stubbornness and rebellion, I see quite clearly the wicked man I was. As conviction set in (as it often did), I would again and again mount up in my own strength to deliver myself not knowing every attempt was an act of rebellion and the very fruit of my unbelief. So a cruel messenger was sent to me whom God had providentially allowed to torment me that I would come to the end of myself. Along with this messenger would come the weight of the law, a burden I could not lift and a tall order I could not fill. Back and forth I'd go and in every attempt to reform myself came forth the fruit of my bitter rebellion. In frustration I would dig out my lab equipment again and turn back to my addiction and my sins hoping to suppress the truth with my wickedness. As I did so the relief I received became shorter lived, and I would have to consume larger and larger amounts of meth to drown out my increasingly accusative conscience.

An amazing thing is that I often carried the scriptures in my backpack. There were many times after reading God's word sheer terror would seize me. This fear became progressive, growing ever more urgent, demanding my surrender. Within my heart would rise questions: "How much farther can I go before it's too late? Have I already gone too far?" Yet throughout all of this there was also given me an unseen hope and an assurance of something more; though I knew it not.

Just as Israel's name implies, I too wrestled with God. I fought in the wilderness with God until I was finally brought to terms with what I am: A wretch and a sinner. In all my struggling to deliver myself, I was in truth fighting God. When I came to see myself in light of God's law, and when the actualization was birthed within me that I could in no way uphold His law, this truth caused my knees to buckle, and in due season, I fell dead at His feet; for no flesh shall glory in His sight. Although it took a few laps around the mountain, I eventually found myself slain in the desert. Having experienced that death, I was then made able for the first time to turn away from myself, and as I looked I saw His hand outstretched to embrace mine.... It was at that point I was granted true repentance, and it was then I received His grace. Behold old things have passed away; all things have become new. 　

Concludes Tomorrow

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From Drug Dealer to Gospel Preacher - A Glorious Testimony (Part 5)

Part 5
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"As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly." - Proverbs 26:11

Wouldn't it be great if that was it, I got saved, threw out my meth lab, went to church and joined the choir. Ha, I could say that, but then I'd have to repent for being a liar.

The experience was short lived. Within fifteen or twenty minutes my thoughts soon returned to my own estate; the weight of my circumstances and of my sin came back upon me. Not to say that this encounter had no effect on me at all, quite the contrary. Having received God's word in power, I received in my earthen vessel the seed of faith, but this was a small seed planted in the vast expanse of dirt in my own heart. I was greatly convinced of God and was immediately convicted.

I did attempt to throw out my equipment and supplies, and I made an effort to reform my actions. But having little knowledge of sin and of my own sinfulness, I quickly took up my pride and my pretences and made strength my arm, and in so doing I denied God's ownership of me and Christ as my salvation. A week after throwing it all in the trash, I would dig it back out. And this happened on multiple occasions. I had not yet been made to understand that it was within my own heart that the major problem lay. In spite of what should have been obvious to me, I thought that to some degree I was good and to some degree that I was just and/or righteous. I had not come to terms with the wickedness and deceitfulness which was at the core of my own heart.

As I endeavored to reform, I was confounded. As I read God's word, I was convicted. And under that conviction, I would only try harder to break my own bonds, but to no avail. At times fear would set upon me so strongly I would cry, sometimes for awhile, not knowing what was wrong with me. As tough as it was, it was necessary for me to be put under a harsh school master; one which would minister the death to my flesh which was needful for my spirit to live. So the Holy Spirit allowed my own efforts and the ministry of God's law to work death in me. I had to first be broken and made to know my impotence to save myself before a holy God.

My conscience worked overtime, excusing and accusing. Although I had not focused on reading the law as it is written in the Torah, I had some knowledge of it. I also found plenty of verses in the New Testament which worked to bring judgment upon my sin and death upon the works of my flesh. Also my defiled conscience became violent at times and was the most cruel of all as it would constantly barrage me with accusations. With all this I was made to see my lustful thoughts and my pride were wicked in God's eyes. I was made to see all my addictions and vices as idolatrous, both lustful and adulterous. Here I was made to know the necessity of God's law and the full counsel of His word.
　
Continued Tomorrow

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From Drug Dealer to Gospel Preacher - A Glorious Testimony (Part 4)

Part 4
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"...But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him." - Luke 15:20b

Towards the end of that summer that I spent at Devil's Elbow, my teacher dismissed me. Having no where to go, I managed to gain the sympathy of my earthly father, and he allowed me to move back to his place. I had a friend help sneak my lab equipment near my dad’s place. I separated it into three parts and stashed them in various places near my father’s house. Shortly after I moved in to my Dad's home, it became apparent that something was very wrong with my behavior. Not long after moving there, my step-mother happened upon a small stash of my supplies in the garage while investigating my behavior. I was immediately kicked out and told not to come back.

Being homeless for sometime, I finally got my mother to sneak me into my grandma’s basement where she was staying at the time. I had to sneak around because if the man my grandmother was living with found out I was there he would call the sheriff and have me arrested. I moved my lab and supplies into the field a few hundred meters behind the farmhouse and hid them in a blackberry bush. During the day I would put on my backpack and head to town to gather supplies, and at night while everyone slept I would quietly cook a batch of meth on the back porch. One night, for whatever reason, I picked up my mother's bible and began to read. I read Revelation at first and was captivated. If you can imagine a half-crazy and sleep-deprived meth addict reading revelation then I think you can draw a general conclusion of what was going through my head. It was profound and powerful, and I was troubled by a number of verses, especially one in particular: "I come quickly". There was an unbeknownst fear those words brought to my heart, and being as skittish as a squirrel on coffee beans, I began to be terrified by words that I read.... Yet I could not stop reading.

One special night in particular I opened up to the book of Ephesians and I read through its entirety. As I read, the power of the Holy Spirit descended upon me and through Paul's letter God spoke directly into my heart. When I had finished I was overcome with this uncontrollable joy, which was bizarre because if I were to take a look around at my surroundings and even worse, at my own self, you'd think I would burst into tears of grief or perhaps vomit on the floor. Instead His wonderful presence came upon me which caused me to rejoice in a way that was unknown to me. I lept up from the floor where I was reading, I had no one in the room to celebrate with but my mothers dog, a hairy black chow-chow named Sasha. I lifted her up and twirled about with her in my arms like some dramatic romance scene you'd see in an old film. Setting her down, I ran out of the room to find my mother. When I found her, I tried to tell her what Christ had done and how wonderful He is, but she looked at me strangely and perhaps a bit afraid. So I ran back to the room, and fell on my face praising the name of Jesus Christ and giving glory to God.

This was far more than a mere experience, it was His very presence. For that short time I was lifted out of myself. As I recall this, I am reminded of the words of David Brainerd as he explained an unforgettable encounter he had with God in which he had said: "I had no thought (as I remember) at first, about my own salvation, and scarce reflected there was such a creature as I. Thus God, I trust, brought me to a hearty disposition to exalt Him and set Him on the throne, and principally and ultimately to aim at His honor and glory, as King of the universe." (The Life and Diary of David Brainerd – Jonathan Edwards)

In a sense I was lifted out of myself, and into His arms. I was made to know that He is above all and that He is God! I cannot help but to think of the prodigal son who while he was "yet far off", the father came with great compassion, fell upon him, and kissed him, just as God fell upon me with power and made me to behold the riches of His grace and His unspeakable love. The joy was unspeakable, and the closest I can ever come to express it is to describe the joy and wonder I experienced as a young child as I played in my grandmothers gardens, which I have often referred to as my own little Eden. Yet this comparison is impotent and feeble in expressing what happened that night, and I fear it is even an afront to God's incomparable grace which was poured out on me that night. For even as a babe in my grandmother's garden my heart had known sin, but as I was made to behold His glory I saw perfect light. I believe I was given a foretaste of and the very seal of the promise "recieving the end of my faith -- the salvation of my soul." -1 Peter1:9

Continued Tomorrow

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From Drug Dealer to Gospel Preacher - A Glorious Testimony (Part 3)

Part 3
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"...the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth..." -Genesis 8:21

As I had closed in the last segment: "I threw the yoke of the world off of my back in bitterness and sought any other means possible to relieve myself of the pain and emptiness which had troubled me from youth". I want to flashback for a second and briefly speak of how my manufacturing of meth came to be. Even as a little child I tried with all my might to suppress the truth in unrighteousness. This suppression started as "innocently" as living in my own imagination as a child and progressed as I grew older into vice, addiction, sexual immorality and crime. There is a story to be told within the context of that sentence alone, but for the sake of a PG-13 rating and to keep from getting too far off track, I will just say that the satisfaction all this brought to me ultimately became a greater void to fill and a pain increasingly more difficult to relieve. I turned to meth out of the progressive growth of my own imputed depravity. It seemed to abate the discomfort of being stuck in my own wretched skin and quieted the voice of my defiled conscience. It gave me energy, excitement, and adventure. Living this false life of course only added to the pain when the dope was all gone. I soon became frustrated with fellow addicts, middle men, and dealers who were dishonest and disloyal (big surprise). In order to be free from having to depend upon them to get me what I wanted, or for that matter, to be free from having to associate with them at all: I became familiar with the chemicals and supplies necessary to manufacture the type of meth I had grown to prefer. I applied my skills as a shoplifter to acquire supplies for local cooks in order to secure my own "cut" of the product... to my surprise most of these "cooks" were also "crooks" and I would get less than the amount agreed upon...which actually was the good case scenario, considering I was fortunate if I got anything at all. Most of these guys were so messed up that I may not see them for a month , and when I did see them, they would seldom remember they owed me anything. Even the more stable ones were very shrewd and unaccommodating in their dealings with me.

Eventually I got fed up with it all. I knew the supply list, and I was capable of acquiring all of the ingredients and supplies I needed. I felt as if my "expertise" was unappreciated and wasted on these ungrateful men, so I decided to approach one of them I believed to be trustworthy and honest, the only one whom I had found favor with. He had reservations about it and honestly I did too. He asked me why I wanted to learn. He saw a talented young man capable of much. He considered me to be "honest" and as someone having some sort of integrity. He said, "If I teach you this your life will never be the same". He knew that what I was basically asking for was a nail in my coffin, and I had a slight sense of it too which was afforded to me by my conscience. The desire of my wicked heart won out, and I insisted he teach me. Seeing as I was able to acquire free materials, it seemed lucrative for both of us. A short time later I moved up to the camp on "Devil's Elbow".

At 24 years old this was my answer to the problem all men are faced with. I took the reigns of my own addiction. I routed all outside variables I could into my own control. I eliminated my need for other dealers, other addicts, and any other outside help, and I seized upon the keys to my own kingdom, an empire of dirt, and I held the door. Or so I thought.
　
Continued Monday

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From Drug Dealer to Gospel Preacher - A Glorious Testimony (Part 2)

Continued from yesterday - the testimony of how God saved former drug addict and manufacturer Shaun Little.

Part 2
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"This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief." - 1 Timothy 1:15
　
Unable to really give an in depth account of every particular of my life I would start my story in the midst my depravity; in a life bearing the fruit of that which all flesh has been born, namely: sin.

I first learned to manufacture a crude form of meth amphetamine which some refer to as "lithium", or "battery dope" in a small town just east of my hometown. This form of meth is called "lithium" or "battery dope" because one of the compounds used in its manufacturing is a small strip of lithium metal found within the lithium batteries you may use for your camera or your walkman. I was taught in a small camp upon a hill in a beautiful forested area just outside of town. This hill was once a logging site many years ago and there is a trench dug down the side of the hill where draft horses would drag down the large logs from the site above. This area is fittingly named "Devil's Elbow" because of the road which wraps around the side of the hill about 50-100 feet from it's base. This road turns sharply around the hillside and is quite dangerous for anyone who chances taking the corner too fast due to the substantial drop off down to the creek bed below. For me the name "Devil's Elbow" is fitting because as I look back on it all, it is the place where the devil had me in an extremely tight headlock.

I was an apprentice of a local manufacturer and was allowed to work under his tutelage. I took to the simple chemistry quickly and impressed my teacher with my product. By the end of the summer he sent me out with these words: "Go set the world on fire." And that's what I set out to do. I despised government and all things established. I truly hated the world and blamed my miserable life on my surroundings. I never learned to cook meth to be a drug dealer or to make money. I learned to manufacture meth in order to feed my own addiction… an addiction I chose to use to suppress the truth and that truth was that I was dead and empty inside. I was confronted with the same problem every man has to face in his own heart: He is depraved, empty, devoid of all light, and full of sin. Meth was my synthetic answer to the problem.

For some this problem is supplanted with what seems "good" in this world: family and friends, career and success, money and fame; throw in a white picket fence and a puppy dog and there you have it: The American god... oops did I say god? I mean dream. It's a "dream" in which a man can contrive some sense of satisfaction from the "pride of life" that the god of this world affords him. It's the world's answer, it quiets the soul, it seems right to a man, but as it is written "The end of it is death". For me, this "answer" alluded me, so I created a world after my own liking and a god of my own design. I threw the yoke of the world off of my back in bitterness and sought any other means possible to relieve myself of the pain and emptiness which had troubled me from my youth...
　
Continued tomorrow . . .

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From Drug Dealer to Gospel Preacher - A Glorious Testimony (Part 1)

A Testimony of God’s Grace
The story of Redemption in the Life of a Meth Addict and Manufacturer
By Shaun R.W. Little
　
Part 1
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"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me." - Psalm 51:5

Before I start I should give a very brief rundown of my growing up. I was born in 1980 in the town of Monroe. Monroe is a small American town in Washington state just west of the Cascade mountains. My parents were both addicts and alcoholics. My father worked a lot, and my mother was emotionally unstable. I was never physically abused although at times I was traumatized emotionally by my mother. I was healthy for the most part though mentally troubled at times. My parents were divorced before I was 10 years old. My father was capable, a carpet installer at trade, and able to keep a job so I lived with him growing up. He eventually re-married.

In school I was not in the "in" crowd, but you couldn’t say I was necessarily an outcast. In my youth I was clumsy and uninterested in sports. Although capable in academics, I was given much to laziness and lack of motivation so my grades suffered due to lack of personal effort. I got involved with drugs by the age of 13. I was arrested for burglary by 14, but the charge was reduced to theft and criminal trespass and I spent a day in juvenile detention. By 15 I had experimented with crack cocaine and various hallucinogenic substances. By 15 I was involved in a serious auto accident, and was thrown through the windshield fracturing two vertebrae. By the grace of God I lived and recovered without permanent damage. During highschool I was often suspended for misbehavior or skipped school, and by my junior year I dropped out and immediately got my GED.

I continued in this way, using drugs, sex, and any other sinful activity as a form of escape from the world I loathed so much. I stayed out of jail mostly, although I did a lot deserving of imprisonment. I was quite proud of the craftiness I exerted in my criminal activity and would brag at times about never getting caught. Though you can't find many things I had done on my criminal record, in truth nothing had escaped the sovereign eyes of God.

But I am not writing this testimony to confess all the wicked things I have done. I’ve chosen to exclude some of the more horrible things I have done as they would only serve for unecessary shock value. I will say that my sins are many and they are vile, but even so, God does not have one list of sins that he holds as being more sinful than another list of sins. Sin is sin; it is the transgression of His holy law, and if you’ve transgressed at one point you’ve transgressed in all. Although I personally consider my robberies, thefts, sexually immoral and violent acts more sinful than the sins which are committed by many who profess themselves be "good" men, whom are in fact: covetous, idolatrous, proud, and gluttonous... God makes no such distinction. The wages of all sin is death and damnation. There is not a hotter place in hell reserved for a rapist and/or a murderer as there is for a greedy business man or a man who cheats on his wife. Hell is hell, it burns eternally, and it burns without rest. Perhaps, I am even providentially privileged to have been made to observe in my sins a fruit so obviously dark and foul. The death it brought to me was apparent and I couldn’t deny my wretchedness as I was made to see the shadow of my dungheep cast on the ground in the light of God's glory. For this I am eternally grateful for the price that was paid for me by God on that blessed cross. Just as God made no distinction accounting my sins any worse than another, neither does God show partiality in His grace and His salvation, for all have sinned and fallen short of His glory. So this is the beginning of my testimony. It's my prayer that Christ be glorified as I speak of His providence and grace in the life of one who had no hope.

Continued on Friday

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